new beginings.

This post is a reminder to get things done.
take change of life and do what i promised myself.

finally getting on track.
there is a lot to get started this year, and more importantly to maintain throwout as we work toward the future.
i never really saw it before now, it was all just distant and unknown.
i had given some thought to what i wanted in life, but not much as i didn't care all that much about anything anyway.
I didn't really see much of a future, sometimes i just didn't care about it.
my life still wasn't going anywhere, so i didn't see a point in being here,
but its not like i have anywhere else to go, do i?

I've never been real keen on having new years resolutions, just doesnt make much sence to me.
yes i have wishes and goals, but im not setting a one year time line to pas them.
but, i guess this is somewhat like a new years resolution,
as with this new year comes change and i need to get a few things in order to make the future work the way i see it.

the last few years, i became so lost trying to find myself.
But this year, this is our year.
time to take control of my own life and do the things i want and need to.

January 2010.
.
.make resume.
.get job.
.earn income.
.throw out junk.
.new clothes.
.part-time study-business, art?
.get creative.-bake, sew, paint.
.make time for my fiance.

dermals. ^-^

again.
somewhere pratical this time.

Fathersday

not really much to say about today,
but its fathers day
just thought it post something anyways,
to get back into the blogging spirit?
cos i pretty much fail generally.

we all chipped in for something nice.
and my dad shaved his face at the table,
wouldn't you if you could?

i cut my tomato into a heart.
cos im a sap.
and the rocket wouldnt cut right without bruising.

useless post over.

High

in this moment,
i dont want anything.
i feel truely content in life.

i am in love,
and i know he feels it too.

although hes not here,
i know he cares,
and he'll be back for me.

lifes looking up,
its a wonderful feeling.

i only hope i can make hi feel the same.


sorry for sappyness.
but after being so used to feeling down,
its rather nice not to feel that way.
just bloggin in the moment.

like robots.

we are programmed to eat and sleep at sertain times.
tho things may not always go to plan,
we soon fall into schedule.
sleeping because its the end of the day, and this is the way humans recharge.
and eating food, just because its there and it is meal time.
it all become so repetitive.
i do not like it.
i wish not to have to rely on food,
ohh how much simpler like would be...
...when eating becomes unnecessary for sustenance.

and sleep...
takes up so much time and only makes me more tired.
there must be some way to avoid it.

if i can erradicate both these things from my life...
i would be able to get so much more done.
and not be feeling sick and tired as much.
also...more money for important things.

mm...yeah thats it.

Your smokeing what now?!?!

im not a good blogger.
i had planed to be on here at least weekly.
just as a documentation of my life.

but awhile ago i had an idea for a bit of a blogging series.
tho i really should have posted as it was happening.
i guess i will if i begin trying new things ago.

but to the main point of this post.
The effects of legal highs.

i came across a bag of catnip in a kitchen a while ago,
the label said it could be smoked or brewed as tea.

so one day, siting around in my room.
outa weed, nothing to smoke.
but hey...ive heard smokeing catniip does...something.

so we researched a little and tried it out.
jaspi (my cat), who was just chillen in my room with us...
kinda passed out.
perhaps cants need fresh catnip for the full affect.

anywho..so cut it short, catnip has no real effect on humans.
especially stoners.
Tho there may be mild calming effect, depending on the individual.

one good thing about it...
it shure is smoother then tobacco,
and a good replacement as spin.

a little while later he tested a 'herbal hights creation,
"happy clappy"
a mix of some of the best legal smokeable herbs
still little effects compared to the illegal stuff.
but yeat again...good for spin,
for that extra little kick.
the herbs in it produce a nice fragrance when smoked,
somewhat similar to incense.
but decaying plant matter in water reeks.

yet again.

another sleepless night.

because....
i just dont feel right like this, alone.
laying in bed, awake,
waiting for sleep,
but it does not come.

Yoshi snuggles just art the same,
the shapes all wrong.
doesnt feel like holding him at all.

feeling rather dependant.

i did mnage to get to sleep around 6:30,
but of course i got up on time to get ready for tafe.
7am cartoons arnt as good as they used to be

sleep.

5 minutes to six.
still not feeling any better.
3 hours till tafe starts.
should sleep, right?
just gotta be up by 6:30.
...7 at the latest.
under the blankets to attemt sleep.
cos its what we're programmed to do.

alone.

hmm...
i do not like this at all.
My first night alone in over 7 weeks.
i was used to being alone most of the time, i really didnt mind it.
but now...it just doesn't seem right.
i cant sleep.
I've become so dependent...
i suppose some time alone should be good for me.
but i really just don't like it.
i miss you...argh.
i don't mean to be so clingy,
but i can't sleep right without you around.

i told you id miss you to much and not be able to get to sleep.
but you've alwlays turned up just in time.
but as time passes by through the early hours of the moning,
i know you won't be here this time.

im such sap.
attempting sleep,
with your heart and the black yoshi.

i miss you terribly.

i know its only been hours.
but youve been with me every night for the past month...
and tonight...your not here.
beginning to regret not going with you...
but a litle time apart should be a good thing?...

cant sleep.
because i miss you too much.

just sitting here...awake.
as the hours pass on to mornig.
wondering when ill see you again.

monday, 9.8.09,
1am....

i

i love u jessica and i always will alot more than u will ever know



:)

Fail.

...i'm sorry...
I fucked up again.
i thought id already lost you.
but now i know i really had.

i knew you didn't really love me..
but being with you just made me happy.
i thought we could be friends...

i didn't meant to hurt you.
but i didn't think you cared.
and trust me, it hurts me more.
its not like you have to live through these regrets.